[	mood	|	creative	]
[	music	|	Omar Faruk - Roman	]

I feel like fooling around with the layout of my blog, so you might see some minor changes happening around the place. Deleted my link to Robin's blog because she never updates (sorry, Robin,) and added Kelsey's because we've begun to talk more and become better friends. Kelsey's a lot cooler than I think most people give her credit for.

A flooded bedroom was waiting for Nis when he returned from his trip to Denmark, so he hasn't been online much the past couple of days (or the past couple of weeks, really, if you count the trip.) Bad things always happen at the worst of times, don't they? Just when you're expecting to come home and rest, you've got to move all your stuff and stay in a hotel for a few days. We recarpeted my rooms a couple of years ago, so I know what a pain it is to move all your stuff, too. Hopefully everything will be back in order soon.

I'm highly motivated lately, but am not sure exactly where I ought to focus my energy. I want to start learning again... researching and discovering new things... but the answer to what I ought to be learning about has yet to present itself. My college classes are starting soon, so that ought to take care of it. In the meantime, I discovered a lovely website of Bible atrocities to read about.

I had a conversation with Joshie last night. It was the same old, same old: "I need reassurance." I'm really, really bad about reassuring people... or providing emotional support of any kind, for that matter. Yet, for some strange reason, a lot of people come to me with their problems. I love listening to people, and like trying to help people through their tough times, but when it comes to just affirming things they already know, I don't see the point. Joshie seems to want me to do just that. I'm sure that if I were to tell him, "Oh don't worry, you'll find someone," he'd call me cliche or something to that effect, and yet that's what he wants me to tell him. He said so himself. I can't help him, no matter how much he wants me to. I don't know how. No one can help him but himself. I wish he'd just come to realise that there's a difference between quiet patience and apathy.
Oh, and I wish he'd stop bringing wealth into the equation. I'm probably going to regret having typed almost everything in this paragraph later, and I'm probably going to sound like an arrogant asshat by the time I'm done (some might argue that I sound like that already,) but I need to rant. My family is upper-middle class, and while he'd probably deny it, that seems to be an issue for him. Why, when we're discussing the topic of relationships, he brings up the fact that I'm a pup of the bourgeois who "has everything handed to her" is beyond me. He says it's not meant as an insult, but the insulting thing is that he makes it seem like that factors into every aspect of my life. Yes, my parents are paying my college tuition. No, I have never had a real job (not for lack of trying.) Yes, I get to have nice things. What does this have to do with relationships, assuming that neither I nor my significant other are pre-occupied with material possessions? Maybe I simply don't understand his perspective; that wouldn't be anything new. I think the thing that really frustrates me is that so many people make my wealth an issue, when I myself don't even think about it. I'm just another person. So I'm lucky -- so what? That doesn't mean my life has been perfect, it just means that I get to have material things... which are of very little value, in the long run. What makes a person really wealthy are their friends, their mind, their family, and life itself.
I really almost wish I were homeless just so I could avoid this kind of thing altogether. I'd probably learn to much better appreciate the simple things that way, too. Though, considering how much joy I get from watching my betta fish or drawing, I'd say I appreciate them a great deal as is.


Also, I made this gif of art from Chainroaker:

[	mood	|	guilty	]
[	music	|	Radiohead - I Will	]

Network throttling has eroded. That's right, ilovebees.com has updated, and apparently the AI has taken a picture of Dana through her own webcam; not that any of you care... Except maybe you, Kelsey. You're my only friend *sniffles*

I'm currently eating tuna, and I feel guilty because my fish are watching...

So, on Monday night I realised that SFA had made a mistake and removed all my registration holds ahead of time, as a result of my going to the first day of orientation last Monday and then getting sick and not returning. Good news for me, as I got to register for classes online Monday night! This is especially lucky, since my group number was called last for registration Tuesday morning. I would most definitely not have been able to get the classes I wanted at the times I wanted if it were not for being able to register a day early. As it is, I got every single class -- including freshman algebra, which was supposedly already filled up (I got the very last seat.) Yippy skippy. I'm currently signed up for Zoology (4 hours,) Zoology Lab (0 hours,) Honors English (6 hours, with the potential to get 12 hours credit if I make an A or B,) Algebra (3 hours,) and Human Sexuality (3 hours, and sounds like an awesome class!) That's about as good as I could possibly expect from SFA. My Zoology class is taught by the father of my highschool anatomy teacher, Mr. Gibson. Mr. Gibson is my favourite teacher of all time. He has everything a teacher should have: intelligence, love of his work, ample patience, a sense of humour, and insanity. I've heard that his father is very much like him, only even more scatterbrained, so I can't wait to see how this will turn out.

You may have noticed that I seem to be in a better mood than in my other recent posts. This is, in part, because I got the Depo-Provera shot on Monday. Side effects? A much happier mood, thank you very much. I got it not so much for birth control purposes as for the simple fact that I don't like bleeding. This is far more about my reproductive tract than any of you ever wanted to know, and I hope you feel privileged for having this information.
I think that my improved temper is proof that I should have been born without a uterus.

[	mood	|	head full of sand	]
[	music	|	Aqua - Bumble Bee	]

I've found ilovebees.com. Heaven help us all. I MUST SOLVE THE MYSTERY AND HELP DANA!!!!
I didn't know what an alternate reality game was until two days ago, and man oh man, I'm surprised and delighted that there's something like this out there. I'd prefer that it weren't sci-fi, but still...
I'm getting very caught up in the whole thing, and I have to say, some of the text is really freaking disturbing, even though it is just a game. Case in point:

"Held down: yes. As if strapped to a table. Could I be in traction in some sick bay, some hospital ward?

Not necessarily one of ours.

But at the same time, parts of me being moved around, emptied out. As if under general anaesthetic, dimly conscious, half-aware as the surgeon cuts off my feet and sews them onto my shoulders. She opens my head with a medical hammer and sand spills out.

Aside from that, nothing much is happening... at least not outside myself. I have to go back to SFA orientation tomorrow/today, since I got sick last Monday and couldn't make it. My folder had a notice for me to show up at some office at 4:00 PM Sunday, but I didn't see that until it was well past 6:00 PM... so they'll just have to deal with that, I guess. Or, worst case scenario, I'll have to deal with it. The sad part is that all this stress is working towards an end goal that I don't even want, and that makes me incredibly bitter. I never wanted to go to SFA. In fact, the idea that I'll be registering for fall classes tomorrow and thus committing to at least 6 more months in this Podunk little town makes me physically ill. I can't stand it here. I know a lot of you locals think it's an okay place to start out, but I don't. I haven't drawn anything of worth in months, and I feel like I'm just artistically, psychologically, and spiritually dying. I'm completely uninspired. It's not even that I'm angry, depressed, or anything else for that matter -- I'm just empty. Nothing scares me more than that. I'm afraid of losing myself in all this. I'm afraid of eventually accepting this town and this college as "good enough" and never moving. I'm afraid of losing motivation. I'm afraid that I'll decide that the things which really matter to me are too much trouble to achieve and maintain. I'm just confused and afraid, period. I think maybe that's why I've been playing a lot of computer games lately; I'm trying to fill my head with senseless action in order to drive away the sickness. Ever heard the story of the poor little rich girl who has everything except what she really wants? Well that's how I'm feeling; oh how cliche am I. People *coughDavidcough* (... ok, I really shouldn't say that since he hasn't stated anything outright, but David is often very opinionated about things he doesn't actually understand... a sin I'm sure I've been guilty of on more than one occasion) seem to think that I should be happy because I've got a stable environment and cash-flow, but forgive me if I'm not willing to accept that those are the only -- or even just the -- important things in life.
I have a ticket out of here, and the want to leave, but in the end I'm staying because I still have that tiny glimmer of hope that I can somehow win my parents' approval by fitting into the little box of expectations they've made for me. Logically, I know that it can't be done and that eventually they'll have to face me as a person rather than just their daughter. So it becomes a waiting game. When will logic win out over sentimentality?

Double post, but whatever. I badly need to talk and no one is online.

While writing the previous post, I was angry and frustrated. My mood has changed entirely, though sadly not for the better. The fact that I'm currently writing this means I'll be the last to register on Tuesday. Apparently they don't give two shits whether or not you have a life outside of their idiotic rules. I was told that people have to be back in their dorm rooms by 12:00 because sometimes they'd go out, "act a fool," and come back drunk... are they suggesting that this doesn't occur under normal conditions? That's what they seem to be saying, since there are no room checks once classes have actually begun. Either that, or the importance of "student safety" (which was their excuse for the curfew) only applies to situations where the parents of said students might be present. In any case, I get to suffer for the stupidity of others. Great.
And sure, some of you may be thinking that I'm actually suffering for my own actions since I chose not to stay in the dorms tonight, but in my mind, completely illogical rules ought not be followed. I would have happily stayed the night if I were going to be living in the dorms during the fall semester, but I'm not.

It's better that I left, really, because I had a nervous breakdown that no one needed to see. I spent most of my drive home screaming. Not the angry sort of screaming, or even the scared sort of screaming, but that horrible sort of scream that a young impala makes when it feels the lion's teeth sinking into the back of its neck. The space between screams was filled with strange babbling. I'd say that's an indication that I've gone insane, except that it's nothing out of the ordinary. I don't even remember what I said, but I think it was probably something along the lines of "Oh God, please let me go home... please please please please please, oh God, please."
It's worth mentioning that I have yet to find a place that feels like home. Also worth mentioning is that I have never in my life had a breakdown quite like this.

Most anyone who reads this isn't going to understand why I feel the way I do about staying here, and that's fine. I was born in this town, grew up in this town, and I don't want to live and die here as well. My fear is that the longer I stay, the closer I come to just giving up... and that's what I saw in myself today when I was told that I'd register last. I didn't care. I had the same apathy for my college course selection that I've held since 5th grade; I was just going to take whatever was left over and wait for things to change for the better. It feels like waiting is all I ever do. I waited until I was old enough to choose the school classes that interested me, waited for the opportunity to better myself, waited until I was old enough to leave this town for good, and now that I am finally 18, I'm waiting for my parents to let go. I can not wait much longer. I need to feel like I'm making progress; like I'm accomplishing something! I need to take action to get the life I want, rather than sitting around and waiting for the help and support of my family. I can't wait for them if they're going to drag their heels... this is my future we're talking about!! I feel bad for leaving my parents after all they've done for me, but isn't that what parenting is about? Raising a child to become a healthy, capable, independent adult?

I pray to God that I don't lose my nerve before I make a move.

[	mood	|	irate	]
[	music	|	Silence	]

Guess where I spent my day?? That's right, my own personal hell. Mom signed me up for SFA orientation with the best of intentions, but little did she know that I would rather skewer my head with a wrought iron stake than spend three fucking days getting better acquainted with SFA. It wouldn't be nearly as bad if you had any free time aside from lunch and dinner... or if all the activities weren't supposedly "required"... or if the first two days' activities didn't last until 11:00PM... or if one wasn't required to stay in the dorms whether or not one is actually taking advantage of campus housing. Sure, you get to register earlier if you go to orientation, but with any luck I won't be around for the fall semester anyway. I think spending several more months in this town with the outside world at my very fingertips would drive me over the edge. I was exempt from the two testing activities today, and I bought myself some time by skipping the two "entertainment" sessions which were nothing more than sappy plays explaining to us all how wonderful SFA is. I'm going to go back tonight just long enough to ask if staying at home rather than in the dorms would, in same freakishly illogical fashion, prevent me from registering for classes. Of course, I will cleverly disguise this question as something along the lines of "I need to run a few errands tonight... would there be any repercussions if I didn't make it back by the time the doors are locked at 12:00?"
Another happy day of fun begins at 7:00AM tomorrow, and for a moment I thought it best to stay in the dorms so I could grab an extra 20 minutes of sleep... but then I realised that not only was the reward not worth the cost, but I would have to wake up early anyway if I expected to shower... how fun it is to share a bathroom with three other persons. I do still have to go to the class I'm currently enrolled in, by the way. Obviously the orientation activities are not mandatory enough for me to miss class for their sake.

"Thank you for choosing SFA!!!" say the overly-happy orientation guides. Perhaps I would be less bitter about the whole situation if I actually had chosen it.

[	mood	|	apathetic	]
[	music	|	Lisa Germano - From A Shell	]

Since Alex and Fletch are doing it now, I figure I'll jump on the bandwagon:
If there's anything you've ever wanted to know about me or camels, post your question on my tagboard and I'll answer all the questions next Friday... or, you know, when I get bored enough to answer them. Anus.

[	mood	|	sleepy	]
[	music	|	Dave Navarro - Rexall	]

I actually wrote this yesterday, but my internet connection died at random so I didn't get to post it until today.

First order of business: Tristan got back from Anthrocon and is now... pre-engaged, I guess, to his boyfriend. He showed me a cute little picture of his boyfriend wearing the ring and everything. I don't really see how you can be pre-engaged, but that's the best word I have for it. I guess that's a nice way of saying "I might marry you one day, but right now I haven't exactly decided so don't be too surprised if something comes up and it doesn't work out." I let Tristan borrow my laptop for the trip and, thanks to Southpaw, it came back with completely different settings. I know my audio scheme is weird and all, but at least have the respect to set everything back to "normal" before returning my machine! I had to re-set my background image, my audio scheme, and almost all my visual settings. I like my files displayed as icons, not a list, thank you. In addition, it returned with Tristan's boyfriend's CD still in the CD drive and missing its power supply thingy. Southpaw is shipping the power supply to Tristan though, so that should be returned soon enough.

I started college three days ago, and so far I like it. I only have one class... English 131. I really enjoy that we actually discuss things and don't just do mindless busy work like in high school. The past couple of days we have read some essays and stories from our book, come to class and taken a short quiz to make sure that we actually read, then just discussed the stories for the rest of the class period. Tomorrow we're going to do a writing assignment in class, and since I tend to write fast, I'll probably get out at least 30 minutes early. The prompt is actually interesting, too (I've butchered this by paraphrasing it, since the actual prompt was much less cursory than what is written here:)
"Describe two, three, or four things that have influenced you in becoming the person you are today."
That's a lot better than those silly "who is your personal hero?" prompts that I had in my high school English classes. I also enjoy being able to write my essays on the computer in the first place, rather than having to write them with pen and paper and then type them later.
 
I got the medical film that I ordered over Ebay, and it's absolutely the coolest thing I've ever seen.  The portion about schizophrenia isn't particularly interesting, but the portion where they bring a severed dog's head back to life sure is!  They also bring a whole dog back to life, but the head is much more interesting.  Basically, they pump oxygenated blood into it and it can stay alive for several hours like that.  They put a few drops of citric acid on its nose and it licked it off, and they banged a hammer on the table and the head perked its ears and tried to look around for the source of the sound.  Freakin' amazing.

Today Megan and I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11... and had to drive an hour and half to Longview to do so. Or at least we would have only had to drive an hour and a half, but the driving directions Megan got from mapsonus.com were wrong, so we ended up getting lost and arriving at the theatre an hour late. We decided to go to the next showing instead, and went to the mall to waste time while we were waiting for 7:00 to roll around. We had a lot of fun, and did eventually get to see the movie, which was exceptional; assuming you dislike Bush, that is.

Nis is leaving for Denmark tomorrow to spend two weeks visiting family. I'm going to miss him a lot, even though I will have the chance to catch him online from time to time.

fox10001: yarr update yer blog.. or I will poop EVERYWHERE

[	mood	|	aggravated	]
[	music	|	Fischerspooner - Emerge	]

Why should I have to deal with crap like this?:

webster_proboarder: hey babe
didsomebodyspikethepunch: hi
webster_proboarder: asl?
didsomebodyspikethepunch: check profile.
webster_proboarder: did..got it....what u doin?
didsomebodyspikethepunch: chatting
didsomebodyspikethepunch: obviously
webster_proboarder: sweet.....ur hottt babe
didsomebodyspikethepunch: thanks.
webster_proboarder: u in the mood?

Now seriously. While I may actually put up with it, I don't understand why I should even be confronted with this garbage in the first place. I am so tired of being thought of as nothing more than an object by all the mindless drones who are nothing more than objects. Had any of these people been blessed with a functioning brain, they would realise that these lines don't work... and when they do, they could likely have been avoided by simply saying "Hi, wanna fuck?" I wish I had been born with a penis or some sort of horrific deformity.
Here's another winner:

prince_morse: is 19 to old to chat with you?
didsomebodyspikethepunch: i'm 18.
prince_morse: do you have a bf
didsomebodyspikethepunch: yes.
prince_morse: any sisters?

For those of you who can't read it, it says:

"I SEE WHAT?!? YOU HAVE LIVED STILL. IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE THE ONE OF WHICH THE ANCIENT PROPHECY SPEAKS? IT WAS SENT IN ORDER PERHAPS TO RELEASE ME FROM MY WICKED CAPTURE FINALLY. BUT NO NAMELY THIS WAS THE STORY OF THE EXACTLY OLD WIVE. YOU WANT TO LIVE. NOW RETREAT!"

[	mood	|	ditzy	]
[	music	|	Josh Groban - Canto Alla Vita	]

I've had a full past couple of days, so I'll begin with the more depressing end of the spectrum and work my way forward.
As many of you know, Kat's dad passed away Friday. I attended his funeral at 10:00AM this morning. It was a very nice service at a local Catholic church. The main speaker, a priest, stumbled through portions of his eulogy and repeated himself a few times, but the message still came through. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I've never liked Christian funerals... too much talk of God and not enough about the deceased. The speaker said that Morris lived his life in Christ and that if he could tell us one thing it would be to urge us to do the same; but personally I think that if Morris could come back and say one thing it would be to tell his family that he loves them. I wish you all the best, Kat.

I've been spending more time with Tristan and Megan more lately. A side effect of Megan and Brant breaking up is that she wants to hang out more often. However, I haven't spoken to Brant lately. I hope he knows I'm still his friend...
Tristan and I went to pick out a gift for his boyfriend on Saturday. He's going to meet his boyfriend at Anthrocon, and I think it will be their first time to meet in person since they started dating, though they had met once prior. I can't wait to see how this works out!

One of my pet rats (the furry one, not the hairless one) died two days ago. I've already replaced her with a baby hairless rat... she's so cute. She still has her baby fuzz and won't be completely hairless until she's a little older, and right now petting her feels like petting velvet. If I sound a little uncaring about the death of the other rat, it's because I am. She was cute and all, but she didn't like to be held or petted, so I didn't get very attached.

Currently I'm sitting around eating pineapple. Mmm, pineapple. Tomorrow I'm going job hunting. I would have gone today, but most local businesses are closed for the 4th anyway.

Say hi to Elise:

How to make a Synirr

Ingredients: 5 parts pride 5 parts silliness 5 parts beauty

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little lustfulness if desired!

Alternatively:

How to make a Samantha

Ingredients: 3 parts mercy 5 parts brilliance 5 parts empathy

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!